... That is my new word that best describes where I am at in life at the present moment. I am not the same person I was over three years ago. Cancer changed that, chemo changed that, a double mastectomy changed that, and so on and so on. That person (who I was starting to finally accept and like finally) is gone. I am different … I see the world in a different light, I react to things differently than I used to. It's wild how clearly you see things (and people) for that matter after going through something so tragic and life changing. All the time you spend alone, recovering; you begin to see things much more clearer than you ever have before. See people and situations for what they really are. Sometimes that realization is not always a good one. It is one that can depress you even more when you start realizing who will be there and who won't. Going through this hell that has been the last three years of my life I keep telling myself I could never do that to someone else that is going through cancer or a life changing disease or situation. But I guess until you are in it, in the trenches living it every day; only then will you realize the errors you made with others along the way. I wish what I went through on NO one. Not even my worst of enemies; and I do have a few. This is a hell no one should endure, but one thing I need to tell others is that it wasn't given to me because God knew I could handle it.
That is one thing that people say that we as cancer survivors want to just scream at people for. Cancer does not discriminate. It does not care what color you are, whether you are male or female, what political party you belong to, whether you have a million dollars in the bank or one penny. Cancer is a mean wicked bitch … and treatment is hard. If everyone knew ahead of time what they were about to go through; patients would be scared to death right out of the gate. My oncologist originally told me that she was not going to tell me everything that may or could happen so not to scare me in any way.
But here I am "EVOLVING" from what I survived. Things I have gone through all my life are now crystal clear and I made the conscious choice to do what is best for me and my peace going forward. I have to do what is best for me and me alone. If I don't take care of myself … no one else will. I am finding my own happiness, my own bliss. Living my life by my own terms, and by my own choices. I have wasted too much time carrying around not only my own baggage of the past but other individuals baggage as well. Time to let it all go, finally move past it. So far I can feel the difference in my life, how some things don't seem so impossible, so negative, or even tragic.
No, I haven't had an easy life; but others have also experienced their struggles or their demons in life. The saying "everyone is going through something" is one that I realize clearer now. Because it is true, you can't always tell what someone is going through by how they look on the outside. Emotional scars aren't visible. Pain whether chronic or otherwise is not always visible. I've learned to have empathy for others for that reason. You don't know what horrible hell someone beside you may be going through, give them grace. Something that I didn't always get and wished I would have gotten more of; but also something I will ensure I will extend to others because I understand.
Now I have the decisions moving forward with how I am going to help give back to others now experiencing what I have already walked the path with. What will that look like going forward and to what extent. To be able to help others navigate this journey in hopes of making it easier on them is very important to me. I went through treatment with no help or assistance, no therapy, no support groups, no one to really lean on that understood what I was going through until much later in my recovery. What I can not only contribute to the cancer community but also get back will be life changing at the end of the day. That is what matters, what is important, and what is necessary.
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