I woke up today with all this "stuff" on my mind. I tried to brush it off, but then I thought "let's put this down in our journal." I didn't think it was going to be this much but once I started writing it just poured out. Blogging or journaling is a part of my healing process. It's like here are your fears, let's write about them in hopes that they no longer weigh us down. So this is literally the first thing on my mind today before I did any of my daily tasks. I needed to "vent" so to speak. Not in a bad way, just a general way. More and more when I start looking at my journaling I realize I really need to write that book !!!
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I woke up today and started thinking about where I was, where I am, and where I want to be. The decisions you make in life are made in the season you are in. The decisions I make today are where I am in this present moment. One thing I learned as a cancer survivor is that you live in the moment, appreciate every day, and try not to look to far ahead. That fear is always there that the cancer would return and I would have to live this nightmare all over again. As the days have passed since January of 2025 when I was once again declared cancer free there are days when I don't think about the fear as much as I thought I would. It does take time, just like hair growth after chemotherapy … those hairs don't grow back overnight. I have tried to use that analogy with all other situations I am currently going through as I navigate this new normal in my life. Nothing happens overnight … things take time, healing takes time.
It is wonderful and a blessing to still be here and be able to even think about the future and goals and things I want to check off my bucket list without a time limit. Goals are a positive, but sometimes they can be a negative. What I mean by that is if you set unrealistic time on your goals, when those goals aren't achieved in that time frame you can become discouraged, have a setback in all you have achieved to this point. No one has all the answers all the time. There is no book or instruction manual to help you navigate life after cancer. Not even the good book … as much comfort that reading and studying the bible can bring; it unfortunately can't give you step-by-step instructions on how to move forward after a traumatic event in your life. I look at it this way; it's a guide … it can inspire you to find what works for you and help set you on the correct path. What works for one does not work for all unfortunately. Each cancer survivor walks their own walk on a path to healing and what many view as a normal life.
What is discouraging for many survivors in the beginning of their healing journey is realizing nothing will be what it once was. That person that you were … you will never be again. The words cancer, chemo, radiation, surgeries, etc. … they change you not only on the outside but the inside as well. When you are going through it there is also pure clarity. You see who steps up and who doesn't, who supports you and who doesn't. You appreciate little moments and find that stressing over little things just aren't worth it. I remember back to a time when I was smack dab in the middle of chemotherapy treatments and I was able to actually enjoy a meal. Many times you lose your appetite and your sense of taste. But the day you bite into that cheeseburger and you can actually taste it and enjoy it is one of those little moments I appreciated along the way. The day my hair got long enough to pull back into a ponytail; I thought that day would never come. Losing your hair is both a blessing and a curse … when you have no hair you can get ready to roll out the door in no time. You just pop on a wig or a bandana and that is it. No hairspray, no messing with it. It is nice though to be where I am right now, to fix my hair in the morning. I always pull my hair back in a ponytail. Some people hate it … they ask me to "fix" my hair. What they don't realize is that being able to pull my hair back is the one bit of normalcy I had back then that I have back now. It's not about the bigger picture, it is about what brings me joy.
I no longer care about what others think. That is another thing that survivorship gives you. You put yourself first. I live my life the way I want to, I march to my own beat. What I went through, what I survived … I physically can't worry about materialistic or unrealistic things that don't benefit me. Guess what, me and that ponytail - we are here to stay. I could care less what others do, how they "wear" their hair, what they dress in, etc. No one should really care what I do, or at least that is the way it should be. There are many times when you are going through cancer and you have to find those little glimmers of joy or create some for yourself. Cancer is a lonely fight, even for those who have others around them for support. Now there is a saying that "it takes a village". Yes, that is true, but sometimes (many times) there are those lonely moments. Now, I am not talking about how I used to be unable to sleep at night, how insomnia took over my life and I ended up crying on the toilet at 3 in the morning. Just the moments you sit alone, those moments when it is just you and your thoughts. There were moments I sat in a busy Oncology center surrounded by nurses, caregivers, and other cancer patients and still felt completely alone. You are physically there in your body, but in your mind it's just you and your thoughts, your memories, your fears, and sometimes your tears.
I have been reflecting back lately looking on where I was three years ago, and where I am today … and that did not happen overnight. You can't skip steps along the journey, no shortcuts; you have to walk the entire path. Trust me there have been some steps along the way that have totally sucked; but they were necessary. And every step, big or small; brings you to where you are. So those goals that I really can't put a timeframe on, we'll just tuck them away in the bucket list. We will get there hopefully someday, but for now we have to be realistic in where we are and what we can achieve.
Nothing is impossible … if I have survived the ups and downs on the last three years; I can survive anything. There is nothing I can't do (besides grow back breasts). I will never know why this happened, I will never understand where the turning point was that completely sidetracked my life. If I did something wrong or was it just genetics, chance, or just given to me because God knew I could handle it. I have a greater understanding and more empathy that there are others out there going through things we know nothing about. You can't see someone's pain just by looking at them. There are some ailments that are invisible to the eye, but for those suffering from it … a part of their daily lives. Everyone has a story, mine is quite a rollercoaster but I held on tight and survived the ride. There were moments I thought I would not survive it or have a future; so now that I do; I appreciate each moment I get to have. And it is okay to have goals and dreams, those things help keep us going. Cancer can take your hair, your breasts, who you once were … but it can NOT take your dreams from you or the desire to be a better and new you. 😉